“The Most Appealing Detective Duo Since Watson and Holmes”

This is what Chet is described as looking like: one black ear, one white.

This is what Chet is described as looking like: one black ear, one white.

Hi, seven or so followers. Dear God, I am sorry. The reasons I haven’t posted since October (!!!!!) 1) APUSH; 2) Newspaper; 3)work in and out of school;  4) pure laziness.

But today I’m going to actually write a review. Be excited!

I woke up feeling sick, and after about two hours of dry heaving, muscle cramps, and wanting to die, my medication finally kicked in, and now I’m home alone and facing no responsibilities.

Come to think of it, I’ve blogged about a lot of serious books. Today we’re talking about comedy, in the form of the Chet and Bernie Mysteries, by Spencer Quinn.

Book one.

Book one.

Chet is the canine counterpart of Bernie Little, private detective of the Little Detective Agency. Chet is a certified police dog, though he technically never graduated K-9 school (there was an incident with a cat Chet can’t quite remember, but it somehow led to Bernie taking him home). Chet keeps Bernie company on and off the job, and sympathizes as best he can with Bernie’s struggles with his ex-wife and partial custody, and near-constant “cash flow problems.” Bernie hates divorce work, but at the moment that’s all he and Chet have going on. Then in the first book of the series, Dog On It, Cynthia Chambliss drives up and employs the Little Detective Agency to find her maybe-missing daughter Madison. Madison shows up minutes later, but disappears again in just two days. Bernie and Chet smell something funny going on- literally, in Chet’s case- and begin to investigate.

The key ingredient in the Chet and Bernie mysteries is the narration. It’s funny and entertaining and intriguing- and it’s told from Chet’s point of view. I’ve never come across another series that employs this device, or at the very least does it so well. Chet hasn’t been turned into a human for convenience. He’s a dog. He talks about bones and smells and cats, and he goes off on doggy tangents that don’t detract from the story at all- they add to them! Chet tells the story clearly and wittily, if a little confused about human quirks, and it’s a joy to read his thoughts. The plots of the books are fantastic- unpredictable like a mystery should be, with a little romance (for Bernie and Chet), a heartwarming dog-owner bond,  and ton of laughs. Sharon Kay Penman reviews Bernie and Chet as “the most appealing detective duo since Watson and Holmes,” and I think I’d have to agree.

Lindsay’s Verdict: Five stars for every mystery. I’m only about halfway through the series, but I’m sure Quinn is still knocking it out of the park.

Author: Spencer Quinn

Genres: Mystery, humor

Upcoming: Something, soonish. Promise.

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Misery (And that’s sort of a pun)

This post offers two exciting things for you, dear reader. One: explanation; and two: an actual review for the first time since like five months ago.

Explanation first.

So don’t ask me why during this summer I read almost nothing I wasn’t assigned (E.g., The Scarlet Letter, and The Constitutional Convention.) Now those two I have thoughts about. I actually worked a fair amount, and I spent a lot of time with my friends. And obviously, summer reading.

summerreading

I also got obsessed with Criminal Minds. OBSESSED. I have a mere six episodes to work before I’ve seen them all to date. In addition to not reading/blogging, I didn’t update any of my poor fanfictions. Yeah, I write fanfiction. My penname is Wordwielder. One of these I plan to expand upon my fanfiction views in a post.

Also, my school decided to reprogram our internet inappropriate content blocking, so now my blog isn’t available to me during school hours. And these days I have ZERO free time. I took AP English, AP US History, Dual Enrollment Pre-Calculus, and Honors Chemistry, in addition to French IV and Newspaper. I’m The Royal New’s Online Editor-in-Chief for trnwired.org, so there’s another dedication to my time I take pretty seriously.  My life is get up, school, stay after for newspaper, homework, shower, go to sleep, repeat. The amount of homework I have is misery (Hahaha. There’s my little pun.)

So what I’m leading up to is that updates are going to be sporadic at best on here. I’m sorry. But here’s your consolation prize…

Misery, by Stephen King.

miserycover

I know, I know. Yet another King novel. This one’s been on my list forever.

The book opens with Paul Sheldon, an author famed for his Victorian-Era romance novels centered on Misery Chastain. Paul hates Misery, he hates everything he’s written about her, and so he’s just completed a new, entirely different book. Fast Cars is possibly his best book ever, he thinks. A little drunk and in a good mood, Paul decides to drive  to Los Angeles instead of flying from Boulder, Colorado, to his home in New York.  A terrible snowstorm hits Colorado, and Paul wrecks upside down into a ravine, shattering his legs and pelvis.

Enter Annie Wilkes, a former nurse and Paul’s “number #1 fan.” Annie pulls Paul from the car and takes him to her home in Sidewinder, Colorado- not the hospital. Paul wakes up days later somewhat stronger, especially due to the numbing influence of Novril, the narcotic Annie’s giving him for pain. Paul starts to suspect Annie is dangerous and mentally unbalanced when she begins to punish him for disagreeing with her by withholding his medication.

A shot from the 1990 movie- for which Kathy Bates won an Oscar in her portrayal as Annie Wilkes.

A shot from the 1990 movie- for which Kathy Bates won an Oscar in her portrayal as Annie Wilkes.

Annie, an avid Misery fan, has no idea when she picks up her new copy of Misery’s Child that Paul has killed Misery five pages from the end. When she reads Misery’s death, she screams at Paul and leaves the house narrowly before attacking him. She stays gone for over two days, leaving Paul without food, drink, or Novril. When she finally returns- Paul almost dead- she has a choice for Paul: destroy Fast Cars or lose his Novril. Paul resists, but eventually has to destroy the book in the face of crippling withdrawal pains. Annie’s next act is to set up a typewriter at the desk for him to write his next Misery novel- Misery’s Return, which she demands he write to bring Misery back to life.

Paul realizes the book is the only way he can stay alive long enough for people to start searching for him.  It’s his only chance to possibly survive. So Paul begins to write for a woman who is heavily unbalanced, who has killed nearly forty people (including her own father as a child), and who is prepared to keep and control her pet writer at all costs.

Lindsay’s Verdict:  Five stars. Well-written, terrifying in the best way, and one of my favorite King novels ever.

Author: Stephen King.

Pages: 310.

Genre: Psychological thriller, horror, suspense

Um, how long has it been?

This is not a real post. It’s a “oops, haven’t blogged since ASP.” So, uh, yeah. Out of school, needing to be selling newspaper ads. Cleaned a lot in the past 2 days. Hopefully actually gonna blog this summer. Soon, I promise, to my seven or so followers. Tell your friends I exist out in the blogosphere.

Ginny: Chapter 11, 12, and 13

THIS IS TRUE OH MY GOD. Thank you ChibySmiley528on DeviantART.

THIS IS TRUE OH MY GOD. Thank you ChibySmiley528on DeviantART.

Hey guys! And with this, we finish ASP. Sorry for the format issues with the last post, WordPress and I are engaged in an epic struggle right now.

Chapter 11

“I wanted to see Phineas, and Phineas only.”-page 144

AW. When you feel upset, do you find solace in one person, one friend? This, to me, goes deeper than “You’re my bff, bro.”

“Hours later it occurred to me to ask him, “Do you think you ought to get into fights like that? After all, there’s your leg—”
“Stanpole said something about not falling again, but I’m very careful.”
“Christ, don’t break it again!”
“No, of course I won’t break it again. Isn’t the bone supposed to be stronger when it grows together over a place where it’s been broken once?”
“Yes, I think it is.”
“I think so too. In fact I think I can feel it getting stronger.”
“You think you can? Can you feel it?”
“Yes, I think so.”
“Thank God.”
“What?”
“I said that’s good.”
“Yes, I guess it is. I guess that’s good, all right.”-page 147

Again we see Gene’s love for Finny and his deep fear of admitting it.

“You’ve been putting off enlisting in something for only one reason,” he said at once. “You know that, don’t you?”
“No, I don’t know that.”
“Well, I know, and I’ll tell you what it is. It’s Finny. You pity him.”
“Pity him!”
“Yes, pity him. And if you don’t watch out he’s going to start pitying himself. Nobody ever mentions his leg to him except me. Keep that up and he’ll be sloppy with self-pity any day now. What’s everybody beating around the bush for? He’s crippled and that’s that. He’s got to accept it and unless we start acting perfectly natural about it, even kid him about it once in a while, he never will.”
“You’re so wrong I can’t even—I can’t even hear you, you’re so wrong.”
“Well, I’m going to do it anyway.”
“No. You’re not.”
“The hell I’m not. I don’t have to have your approval, do I?”
“I’m his roommate, and I’m his best friend—”
“And you were there when it happened. I know.”-pages 151-152

Here is Gene again in the role of Finny’s defender; and even Brinker points out that Gene hasn’t enlisted because of Finny, who he refuses to leave behind.

“Naturally I don’t believe books and I don’t believe teachers,” he came across a few paces, “but I do believe—it’s important after all for me to believe you. Christ, I’ve got to believe you, at least. I know you better than anybody.”-pages 154-155

Awww, Finny. Again, this seems deeper than friendship. How deeply do you rely on your best friend? How deeply do you love them?

Chapter 12

“I dashed back up the stairs, found a blanket and gave it to Phil Latham. He carefully wrapped it around Phineas.

I would have liked very much to have done that myself; it would have meant a lot to me.” -pages 170-171

There’s something very tender in the action of wrapping someone in a blanket. Thus, this.

“Phineas had thought of me as an extension of himself.”-page 171
You ever hear of someone referring to a couple as one entity? Maybe it’s not stated in those words, but I think that’s implied.

“Then I added, with great difficulty, “I thought I belonged here.”

I felt him turning to look at me, and so I looked up. He had a particular expression which his face assumed when he understood but didn’t think he should show it, a settled, enlightened look; its appearance now was the first decent thing I had seen in a long time.”-page 181

This is probably the closest Gene ever comes to admitting how he feels about Finny. Finny’s anger at Gene immediately fades; he understand what Gene is trying to say, and answers him with understanding and not pushing. All along, Finny has understood Gene much better than Gene ever thinks.

“Finny,” my voice broke but I went on, “Phineas, you wouldn’t be any good in the war, even if nothing had happened to your leg.”

A look of amazement fell over him. It scared me, but I knew what I said was important and right, and my voice found that full tone voices have when they are expressing something long-felt and long-understood and released at last. “They’d get you some place at the front and there’d be a lull in the fighting, and the next thing anyone knew you’d be over with the Germans or the Japs, asking if they’d like to field a baseball team against our side. You’d be sitting in one of their command posts, teaching them English. Yes, you’d get confused and borrow one of their uniforms, and you’d lend them one of yours. Sure, that’s just what would happen. You’d get things so scrambled up nobody would know who to fight any more. You’d make a mess, a terrible mess, Finny, out of the war.”

His face had been struggling to stay calm as he listened to me, but now he was crying but trying to control himself. “It was just some kind of blind impulse you had in the tree there, you didn’t know what you were doing. Was that it?”

“Yes, yes, that was it. Oh that was it, but how can you believe that? How can you believe that? I can’t even make myself pretend that you could believe that.”

“I do, I think I can believe that. I’ve gotten awfully mad sometimes and almost forgotten what I was doing. I think I believe you, I think I can believe that. Then that was it. Something just seized you. It wasn’t anything you really felt against me, it wasn’t some kind of hate you’ve felt all along. It wasn’t anything personal.”

“No, I don’t know how to show you, how can I show you, Finny? Tell me how to show you. It was just some ignorance inside me, some crazy thing inside me, something blind, that’s all it was.”

He was nodding his head, his jaw tightening and his eyes closed on the tears. “I believe you. It’s okay because I understand and I believe you. You’ve already shown me and I believe you.”-pages 182-183
*Cries* I guess this could be friendship, you naysayers. But this straight up a beautiful example of their bond, homo or heterosexual; Gene soothes Finny’s pain, and Finny gives Gene the best gift he ever could: forgiveness.

And then…
Finny dies.
It hurts my soul. Gene might not cry, but I mourn my Finny. Well, technically I didn’t cry either, but I was really sad.

Chapter 13

“I never talked about Phineas and neither did anyone else; he was, however, present in every moment of every day since Dr, Stanpole had told me. Finny had a vitality which could not be quenched so suddenly, even by the marrow of his bone. That was why I couldn’t say anything or listen to anything about him, because he endured so forcefully that what I had to say would have seemed crazy to anyone else—I could not use the past tense, for instance—and what they had to say would be incomprehensible to me. During the time I was with him, Phineas created an atmosphere in which I continued now to live, a way of sizing up the world with erratic and entirely personal reservations, letting its rocklike facts sift through and be accepted only a little at a time, only as much as he could assimilate without a sense of chaos and loss.

No one else I have ever met could do this.”-page 194

That's right. That’s right. [/caption

Phineas has such a profound impact on Gene that even after he dies Gene continues to live in his world. Even fifteen years later, Gene is still remembering Phineas- even though: “Nothing endures, not a tree, not love, not even a death by violence.”(page 6). He even says love…did I already do that one? Eh.
Gene regrets missing his chances with Finny, as he says on page 74: “If only I had truly taken advantage of the situation, seized and held and prized the multitudes of advantages the summer offered me; if only I had.”
I hope in the last-what, five posts?- I’ve proven that Ginny is real- and still a better love story than Twilight. Or for that matter, Romeo and Juliet. Honestly, it’s worth it to read ASP just for Finny. But just him, because the plot is awful, but Finny’s cool. Thus I give it two stars, for Finny and some nice writing.

Up next: Something I’m not breaking down chapter by chapter. Maybe Matched.
Night everyone! Think I’m getting an A on this ASP test? 🙂

Ginny: Chapters 7,8,9, and 10

And here's Gene!

And here’s Gene!

Here's Pierce Cravens, the new Phineas. I like his face.

Here’s Curt Hansen, the new Phineas. I like his face.


Hola. Back to Ginny, who I am now positive I ship. And guess what I found out? They’re making ASP MUSICAL! The guy playing Finny is HOT. That’s right, producers. Gene’s not bad either. Look above to see these humans.

Forgot one in Chapter 3:

“You’re too good to be true,” I said after a while.-page 36

To me, that seems like something you say to you lover, not your bff.

And now on to Chapter Seven. The first quote here makes me feel uncomfortable. It’s SO awkward. First pointed out to me by Roxy of Roxy’s Blog.

“There was nothing idiosyncratic about Brinker unless you saw him from behind; I did as he turned to close the door after him. The flaps of his garbardine jacket parted slightly over his healthy rump, and it is that, without any sense of derision at all, I recall as Brinker’s salient characteristic, those healthy, determined, not over exaggerated but definite and substantial buttocks.”-page 79

WHAT!

HE JUST CHECKED BRINKER OUT.

HE TOTALLY DID.

THIS IS EVERY BIT OF PROOF I NEED.

“I felt a thrill when he said it. This was the logical climax of the whole misbegotten day, this whole out-of-joint term at Devon. I think I had been waiting for a long time for someone to say this so that I could entertain these decisive words myself.

To enlist. To slam the door impulsively on the past, to shed everything down to my last bit of clothing, to break the pattern of my life—that complex design I had been weaving since birth with all its dark threads, its unexplainable symbols set against a conventional background of domestic white and schoolboy blue, all those tangled strands which required the dexterity of a virtuoso to keep flowing—I yearned to take giant military shears to it, snap! bitten off in an instant, and nothing left in my hands but spools of khaki which could weave only a plain, flat, khaki design, however twisted they might be.

Not that it would be a good life. The war would be deadly all right. But I was used to finding something deadly in things that attracted me; there was always something deadly lurking in anything I wanted, anything I loved. And if it wasn’t there, as for example with Phineas, then I put it there myself.

But in the war, there was no question about it at all; it was there…

It was a night made for hard thoughts. Sharp stars pierced singly through the blackness, not sweeps of them or clusters or Milky Ways as there might have been in the South, but single, chilled points of light, as unromantic as knife blades. Devon, muffled under the gentle occupation of the snow, was dominated by them; the cold Yankee stars ruled this night. They did not invoke in me thoughts of God, or sailing before the mast, or some great love as crowded night skies at home had done; I thought instead, in the light of those cold points, of the decision facing me.

Why go through the motions of getting an education and watch the war slowly chip away at the one thing I had loved here, the peace, the measureless, careless peace of the Devon summer? Others, the Quackenbushes of this world, could calmly watch the war approach them and jump into it at the last and most advantageous instant, as though buying into the stock market. But I couldn’t.

There was no one to stop me but myself. Putting aside soft reservations about What I Owed Devon and my duty to my parents and so on, I reckoned my responsibilities by the light of the unsentimental night sky and knew that I owed no one anything. I owed it to myself to meet this crisis in my life when I chose, and I chose now.

I bounced zestfully up the dormitory stairs. Perhaps because my mind still retained the image of the sharp night stars, those few fixed points of light in the darkness, perhaps because of that the warm yellow light streaming from under my own door came as such a shock. It was a simple case of a change of expectation. The light should have been off. Instead, as though alive itself, it poured in a thin yellow slab of brightness from under the door, illuminating the dust and splinters of the hall floor.

I grabbed the knob and swung open the door. He was seated in my chair at the desk, bending down to adjust the gross encumbrance of his leg, so that only the familiar ears set close against his head were visible, and his short-cut brown hair. He looked up with a provocative grin, “Hi pal, where’s the brass band?”

Everything that had happened throughout the day faded like that first false snowfall of the winter. Phineas was back.” -pages 93-95

Okay, for one: Gene almost says he loves Finny! Reread the third paragraph of that quote. It’s almost there!
Secondly, Gene decides he is going to enlist. His mind is totally made up, completely, he’s doing it! And then Phineas returns, and “everything that had happened throughout the day faded like that first false snowfall of the winter.” His Finny is back, and Gene decides without even thinking that he will not leave Finny. In the copy my school gave me, someone else had drawn a heart under that last sentence!

Chapter 8

“I can see I never should have left you alone,” Phineas went on before I could recover from the impact of finding him there, “Where did you get those clothes!” His bright, indignant eyes swept from my battered gray cap, down the frayed sweater and paint-stained pants to a pair of clodhoppers. “You don’t have to advertise like that, we all know you’re the worst dressed man in the class.”

“I’ve been working, that’s all These are just work clothes.”

“In the boiler room?”

“On the railroad. Shoveling snow.”

He sat back in the chair. “Shoveling railroad snow. Well that makes sense, we always did that the first term.”

I pulled off the sweater, under which I was wearing a rain slicker I used to go sailing in, a kind of canvas sack. Phineas just studied it in wordless absorption. “I like the cut of it,” he finally murmured. I pulled that off revealing an Army fatigue shirt my brother had given me. “Very topical,” said Phineas through his teeth. After that came off there was just my undershirt, stained with sweat. He smiled at it for a while and then said as he heaved himself out of the chair, “There. You should have worn that all day, just that. That has real taste. The rest of your outfit was just gilding that lily of a sweat shirt.”

“Glad to hear you like it.”

“Not at all,” he replied ambiguously, reaching for a pair of crutches which leaned against the desk.-pages 95-96

OH MY LORD. HE JUST STRIPPED IN FRONT OF FINNY. AND FINNY LIKED IT. And he inserts comments on Gene’s clothing!

I found some sheets and made up his bed for him. He wasn’t a bit sensitive about being helped, not a bit like an invalid striving to seem independent. I put this on the list of things to include when I said some prayers, the first in a long time, that night in bed. Now that Phineas was back it seemed time to start saying prayers again. -pages 96-97

Okay, this one only works because of later context. Finny relies on Gene easily, but he will allow no one else to help him. And then we see a nice bit of Gene’s love of Finny when he prays in gratitude for Finny’s return.

“Ready to sign up?” he shouted before he was through the door. “You ready to en—Finny!”

“You ready to en—what?” pursued Finny from his bed. “Who’s ready to sign and en what?”

“Finny. By God you’re back!”

“Sure,” confirmed Finny with a slight, pleased grin.

“So,” Brinker curled his lip at me, “your little plot didn’t work so well after all.”

“What’s he talking about?” said Finny as I thrust his crutches beneath his shoulders.

“Just talking,” I said shortly. “What does Brinker ever talk about?”

“You know what I’m talking about well enough.”

“No I don’t.”

“Oh yes you do.”

“Are you telling me what I know?”

“Damn right I am.”

“What’s he talking about,” said Finny.

The room was bitterly cold. I stood trembling in front of Phineas, still holding his crutches in place, unable to turn and face Brinker and this joke he had gotten into his head, this catastrophic joke.

“He wants to know if I’ll sign up with him,” I said, “enlist.” It was the ultimate question for all seventeen-year-olds that year, and it drove Brinker’s insinuations from every mind but mine.

“Yeah,” said Brinker.

“Enlist!” cried Finny at the same time. His large and clear eyes turned with an odd expression on me. I had never seen such a look in them before. After looking at me closely he said, “You’re going to enlist?”

“Well I just thought—last night after the railroad work—”

“You thought you might sign up?” he went on, looking carefully away.

Brinker drew one of his deep senatorial breaths, but he found nothing to say. We three stood shivering in the thin New Hampshire morning light, Finny and I in pajamas, Brinker in a blue flannel bathrobe and ripped moccasins. “When will you?” Finny went on.

“Oh, I don’t know,” I said. “It was just something Brinker happened to say last night, that’s all.”

“I said,” Brinker began in an unusually guarded voice, glancing quickly at Phineas, “I said something about enlisting today.”

Finny hobbled over to the dresser and took up his soap dish. “I’m first in the shower,” he said.

“You can’t get that cast wet, can you?” asked Brinker.

“No, I’ll keep it outside the curtain.”

“I’ll help,” said Brinker.

“No,” said Finny without looking at him, “I can manage all right.”

“How can you manage all right?” Brinker persisted aggressively.

“I can manage all right,” Finny repeated with a set face.

I could hardly believe it, but it was too plainly printed in the closed expression of his face to mistake, too discernible beneath the even tone of his voice: Phineas was shocked at the idea of my leaving. In some way he needed me. He needed me. I was the least trustworthy person he had ever met. I knew that; he knew or should know that too. I had even told him. I had told him. But there was no mistaking the shield of remoteness in his face and voice. He wanted me around. The war then passed away from me, and dreams of enlistment and escape and a clean start lost their meaning for me.

“Sure you can manage the shower all right,” I said, “but what difference does it make? Come on. Brinker’s always … Brinker’s always getting there first. Enlist! What a nutty idea. It’s just Brinker wanting to get there first again. I wouldn’t enlist with you if you were General MacArthur’s eldest son.”

Brinker reared back arrogantly. “And who do you think I am!” But Finny hadn’t heard that. His face had broken into a wide and dazzled smile at what I had said, lighting up his whole face.-pages 98-100

Awwwwww. Here, we see how Finny refuses to allow Brinker to help him, but a page earlier he was fine with Gene helping him. He wants Gene around, he needs him. He loves him. And once Gene realizes this, “the war then passed away from me.” I find this passage so incredibly sweet, if you’re looking at it romantically.

“The winter loves me,” he retorted, and then, disliking the whimsical sound of that, added, “I mean as much as you can say a season can love. What I mean is, I love winter, and when you really love something, then it loves you back, in whatever way it has to love.” I didn’t think that this was true, my seventeen years of experience had shown this to be much more false than true, but it was like every other thought and belief of Finny’s: it should have been true. So I didn’t argue.-pages 102-103

Okay, read Finny’s words again. Finny’s not talking about the weather. He’s alking about how he loves Gene. He loves Gene, so Gene must love him- as much as he can admit. And some part of Gene understands that, so he doesn’t argue.

“Finny sat down on a bench, struggled out of his sheep-lined winter coat, and took a deep breath of gymnasium air. No locker room could have more pungent air than Devon’s; sweat predominated, but it was richly mingled with smells of paraffin and singed rubber, of soaked wool and liniment, and for those who could interpret it, of exhaustion, lost hope and triumph and bodies battling against each other. I thought it anything but a bad smell. It was preeminently the smell of the human body after it had been used to the limit, such a smell as has meaning and poignance for any athlete, just as it has for any lover.” -page 105

This gym is Finny to Gene. That’s why he loves the smell. And then he mentions lovers, and I had to put this in here.
Chapter 9

He drew me increasingly away from the Butt Room crowd, away from Brinker and Chet and all other friends, into a world inhabited by just himself and me, where there was no war at all, just Phineas and me alone among all the people of the world, training for the Olympics of 1944.-page 119

This just seems self explanatory.
Chapter 10
Nothing particulary homosexual here.
Next time: We finish ASP! And we prove my whole theory even more than now!

Ginny Part 2: Chapters 3, 4, 5, and 6

IT'S TRUE OH MY LORD

IT’S TRUE OH MY LORD


Hola! I’m back. I’m having a really good few days, actually. I just got into NHS and I’m now TRN’s Online Editor-In-Chief; trnwired.org, for those interested. Not that my duties have taken effect. House of Dracula, the play I’m in, premieres this week, too.

But on to Finny and Gene, our probable lovers. Like a moron, I gave myself irreparable feels reading ASP fanfiction. SO MANY FEELS. MY GOD.

Chapter 3

What difference did it make? It was just a game. It was good that Finny could shine at it. He could also shine at many other things, with people for instance, the others in our dormitory, the faculty; in fact, if you stopped to think about it, Finny could shine with everyone, he attracted everyone he met. I was glad of that too. Naturally. He was my roommate and my best friend.-page 32

Okay, other than showcasing Gene’s excessive jealousy of Finny, there’s something else here, too. Gene often reaffirms that Finny is his best friend. I wonder who he’s trying to convince that Finny’s just his pal.

Finny had tremendous loyalty to the class, as he did to any group he belonged to, beginning with him and me and radiating outward past the limits of humanity toward spirits and clouds and stars.-page 34
Hm. Finny’s loyalty beins with his and Gene’s relationship. This seems suggestive.

It made Finny seem too unusual for—not friendship, but too unusual for rivalry. And there were few relationships among us at Devon not based on rivalry.-page 37

Orrrr, too unusual for love. Gene does hesitate before settling over rivalry.

And then they go to the beach. It’s a pretty romantic experience, in my opinion.

He stayed in an hour, breaking off every few minutes to come back to me and talk. The sand was so hot from the all-day sunshine that I had to brush the top layer away in order to lie down on it, and Finny’s progress across the beach became a series of high, startled leaps.

The ocean, throwing up foaming sun-sprays across some nearby rocks, was winter cold. This kind of sunshine and ocean, with the accumulating roar of the surf and the salty, adventurous, flirting wind from the sea, always intoxicated Phineas. He was everywhere, he enjoyed himself hugely, he laughed out loud at passing sea gulls. And he did everything he could think of for me.

We had dinner at a hot dog stand, with our backs to the ocean and its now cooler wind, our faces toward the heat of the cooking range. Then we walked on toward the center of the beach, where there was a subdued New England strip of honky-tonks. The Boardwalk lights against the deepening blue sky gained an ideal, starry beauty and the lights from the belt of honky-tonks and shooting galleries and beer gardens gleamed with a quiet purity in the clear twilight.

Finny and I went along the Boardwalk in our sneakers and white slacks, Finny in a light blue polo shirt and I in a T-shirt. I noticed that people were looking fixedly at him, so I took a look myself to see why. His skin radiated a reddish copper glow of tan, his brown hair had been a little bleached by the sun, and I noticed that the tan made his eyes shine with a cool blue-green fire.

“Everybody’s staring at you,” he suddenly said to me. “It’s because of that movie-star tan you picked up this afternoon … showing off again.”page 39
Okay, other than the fact this is totally a date, Finny tells Gene he has a movie star tan. You don’t say things like that to your male best friend, especially in 1942. and Gene notices people looking at his precious Finny and then describes why. They’re totally in love.

The last words of Finny’s usual nighttime monologue were, “I hope you’re having a pretty good time here. I know I kind of dragged you away at the point of a gun, but after all you can’t come to the shore with just anybody and you can’t come by yourself, and at this teen-age period in life the proper person is your best pal.” He hesitated and then added, “which is what you are,” and there was silence on his dune.

It was a courageous thing to say. Exposing a sincere emotion nakedly like that at the Devon School was the next thing to suicide. I should have told him then that he was my best friend also and rounded off what he had said. I started to; I nearly did. But something held me back. Perhaps I was stopped by that level of feeling, deeper than thought, which contains the truth.-page 40
In my opinion, when Finny hesitates, what he wants to say is, “I love you.” But he knows Gene. He knows Gene can’t accept his love. So he does what he can accept. And Gene nearly answers the same way: he can’t tell Finny how he really feels. Gene represents this as he doesn’t want to lie about his resentment of Finny. That’s probably true. But I think it’s also that he’s too afraid to say why he resents Finny: because he feels that he is unworthy of Finny and his love.

Chapter 4
…is purely about Gene’s resentment of Finny. Gene represents this emotion like he simply cannot stand being inferior to Finny, and convinces himself Finny is trying to sabotage him. But he’s also deeply attracted to Finny. Even he admits that much. I believe the real reason Gene feels so injured by his inferiority is because it serves as an impairment in his and Finny’s relationship. In other words, he feels like he isn’t good enough for Finny. And that’s why he resents him. I don’t have any gay quotes for this chapter, because Gene is being paranoid and annoying the whole time.

Chapter 5
None of us was allowed near the infirmary during the next days, but I heard all the rumors that came out of it. Eventually a fact emerged; it was one of his legs, which had been “shattered.” I couldn’t figure out exactly what this word meant, whether it meant broken in one or several places, cleanly or badly, and I didn’t ask. I learned no more, although the subject was discussed endlessly. Out of my hearing people must have talked of other things, but everyone talked about Phineas to me. I suppose this was only natural. I had been right beside him when it happened, I was his roommate.-page 53

Maybe no one has out right declared Gene and Finny a couple, but everyone senses their closeness.

This next quote is creepy as a mofo. But also pretty gay.
I spent as much time as I could alone in our room, trying to empty my mind of every thought, to forget where I was, even who I was. One evening when I was dressing for dinner in this numbed frame of mind, an idea occurred to me, the first with any energy behind it since Finny fell from the tree. I decided to put on his clothes. We wore the same size, and although he always criticized mine he used to wear them frequently, quickly forgetting what belonged to him and what to me. I never forgot, and that evening I put on his cordovan shoes, his pants, and I looked for and finally found his pink shirt, neatly laundered in a drawer. Its high, somewhat stiff collar against my neck, the wide cuffs touching my wrists, the rich material against my skin excited a sense of strangeness and distinction; I felt like some nobleman, some Spanish grandee.

But when I looked in the mirror it was no remote aristocrat I had become, no character out of daydreams. I was Phineas, Phineas to the life. I even had his humorous expression in my face, his sharp, optimistic awareness. I had no idea why this gave me such intense relief, but it seemed, standing there in Finny’s triumphant shirt, that I would never stumble through the confusions of my own character again.-page 54
Gene canot stand himself; he loves Phineas deeply. He wants to be as good as Finny, and so he pretends to be Finny. There’s something like love in that, even if it’s very creepy. Also, we learn Finny has an eye for fashion. *raises eyebrows* Yeah.

Dr. Stanpole hesitated, and I think glanced at me for a moment. “Sports are finished. As a friend you ought to help him face that and accept it. The sooner he does the better off he’ll be. If I had the slightest hope that he could do more than walk I’d be all for trying for everything. There is no such hope. I’m sorry, as of course everyone is. It’s a tragedy, but there it is.”

I grabbed my head, fingers digging into my skin, and the doctor, thinking to be kind, put his hand on my shoulder. At his touch I lost all hope of controlling myself. I burst out crying into my hands; I cried for Phineas and for myself and for this doctor who believed in facing things. Most of all I cried because of kindness, which I had not expected.

“Now that’s no good. You’ve got to be cheerful and hopeful. He needs that from you. He wanted especially to see you. You were the one person he asked for.”

That stopped my tears.-pages 55-56
This touches my heart a little. Finny has many friends. Gene is the only one he asks to see. Gene stops crying because he think Finny is going to accuse him, but maybe because this request reinforces that Finny does care about him more than any other friend.

The rest of Chapter 5 is pretty much Gene being paranoid.

Chapter 6
“There’s a long-distance call for you,” he continued in the tone of the judge performing the disagreeable duty of telling the defendant his right. “I’ve written the operator’s number on the pad beside the telephone in my study. You may go in and call.”

“Thank you very much, sir.”

He sailed on down the lane without further reference to me, and I wondered who was sick at home.

But when I reached his study—low-ceilinged, gloomy with books, black leather chairs, a pipe rack, frayed brown rug, a room which students rarely entered except for a reprimand—I saw on the pad not an operator’s number from my home town, but one which seemed to interrupt the beating of my heart.

I called this operator, and listened in wonder while she went through her routine as though this were just any long-distance call, and then her voice left the line and it was pre-empted, and charged, by the voice of Phineas. “Happy first day of the new academic year!”

“Thanks, thanks a lot, it’s a—you sound—I’m glad to hear your—”

“Stop stuttering, I’m paying for this. Who’re you rooming with?”

“Nobody. They didn’t put anyone else in the room.”

“Saving my place for me! Good old Devon. But anyway, you wouldn’t have let them put anyone else in there, would you?” Friendliness, simple outgoing affection, that was all I could hear in his voice.

“No, of course not.”

“I didn’t think you would. Roommates are roommates. Even if they do have an occasional fight. God you were crazy when you were here.”

“I guess I was. I guess I must have been.”

“Completely over the falls. I wanted to be sure you’d recovered. That’s why I called up. I knew that if you’d let them put anybody else in the room in my place then you really were crazy. But you didn’t, I knew you wouldn’t. Well, I did have just a trace of doubt that was because you talked so crazy here. I have to admit I had just a second when I wondered. I’m sorry about that, Gene. Naturally I was completely wrong. You didn’t let them put anyone else in my spot.”

“No, I didn’t let them.”

“I could shoot myself for thinking you might. I really knew you wouldn’t.”

“No, I wouldn’t.”

“And I spent my money on a long-distance call! All for nothing. Well, it’s spent, on you too. So start talking, pal. And it better be good. Start with sports. What are you going out for?”

“Crew. Well, not exactly crew. Managing crew. Assistant crew manager.”

“Assistant crew manager!”

“I don’t think I’ve got the job—”

“Assistant crew manager!”

“I got in a fight this after—”

“Assistant crew manager! ” No voice could course with dumfoundment like Finny’s “You are crazy!”

“Listen, Finny, I don’t care about being a big man on the campus or anything.”

“Whaaat?” Much more clearly than anything in Mr. Ludsbury’s study I could see his face now, grimacing in wide, obsessed stupefaction. “Who said anything about whoever they are!”

“Well then what are you so worked up for?”

“What do you want to manage crew for? What do you want to manage for? What’s that got to do with sports?”

The point was, the grace of it was, that it had nothing to do with sports. For I wanted no more of sports. They were barred from me, as though when Dr. Stanpole said, “Sports are finished” he had been speaking of me. I didn’t trust myself in them, and I didn’t trust anyone else. It was as though football players were really bent on crushing the life out of each other, as though boxers were in combat to the death, as though even a tennis ball might turn into a bullet. This didn’t seem completely crazy imagination in 1942, when jumping out of trees stood for abandoning a torpedoed ship. Later, in the school swimming pool, we were given the second stage in that rehearsal: after you hit the water you made big splashes with your hands, to scatter the flaming oil which would be on the surface.

So to Phineas I said, “I’m too busy for sports,” and he went into his incoherent groans and jumbles of words, and I thought the issue was settled until at the end he said, “Listen, pal, if I can’t play sports, you’re going to play them for me,” and I lost part of myself to him then, and a soaring sense of freedom revealed that this must have been my purpose from the first: to become a part of Phineas. pages 75-77

Gene’s heart stops beating when he recognizes Finny’s number. Tell me that hasn’t happened when a guy or girl you liked called you. And Finny’s reason for calling to reassure himself that Gene is still there, waiting for him to return. Finny’s finding out if Gene still feels the same way about him. And the end of the call? Gene feels elated when he realizes that he can be an important part of Finny’s life. See how this works with my inferiority complex theory?

Next time: Chapters 7,8, 9, 10.

Finny+Gene= Ginny: Chapters 1 and 2

AHAHAHA IT'S SO TRUE

AHAHAHA IT’S SO TRUE

My English class has recently started reading  A Separate Peace. Apparently some people find it fantastic; Audrey Menen called it “the best-written, best-designed and mmost moving novel I have rea din many years.” However, Audrey Menen and I disagree. I find A Separate Peace okay. Not awful. Okay. I adore Finny, but Gene annoys the heck out of me. The plot wasn’t very exciting and very predictable. I knew Finny was going to die in the first chapter.  The writing was actually not bad- Knowles actually had  a knack for relating those feelings we all have that can’t be sorted into neat little boxes.  But not thrilling, not the art of the novel. And the ending was mind-numblingly anticlimatic. And just straight up stupid. Probably the worst ending ever. I’m done with it now, and the overwhelming feeling I left that book with is that Gene and Finny are so gay for each other. SO gay. I will now provide textual evidence. Pretty sure I ship Ginny now.

Chapter One:

For such an extraordinary athlete—even as a Lower Middler Phineas had been the best athlete in the school—he was not spectacularly built. He was my height—five feet eight and a half inches (I had been claiming five feet nine inches before he became my roommate, but he had said in public with that simple, shocking self-acceptance of his, “No, you’re the same height I am, five-eight and a half. We’re on the short side”). He weighed a hundred and fifty pounds, a galling ten pounds more than I did, which flowed from his legs to torso around shoulders to arms and full strong neck in an uninterrupted, unemphatic unity of strength.-page 8

Okay, this one could go either way. Maybe he’s just trying to describe Finny. Maybe It’s a little gay that he describes Finny like Adonis.

“Come on,” drawled Finny from below. “Stop standing there showing off.”-page 9

Gene is smaller than Finny; he tells us so. So why would he be showing off? Finny is admiring the view.

“All right, pal,” Finny spoke in his cordial, penetrating voice,  that reverberant instrument in this chest. -page 9

“What I like best about this tree,” he said in that voice of his, the equivalent in sound of a hypnotist’s eyes…-page 6

Okay, this is another that could go both ways. Gene focuses on Finny’s voice an awful lot, and he always praises it. Always. It’s very questionable. And then…there’s the wrestling passage. And that settles the question FOREVER.

“We’d better hurry or we’ll be late for dinner,” I said, breaking into what Finny called my “West Point stride.” Phineas didn’t really dislike West Point in particular or authority in general, but just considered authority the necessary evil against which happiness was achieved by reaction, the backboard which returned all the insults he threw at it. My “West Point stride” was intolerable; his right foot flashed into the middle of my fast walk and I went pitching forward into the grass. “Get those hundred and fifty pounds off me!” I shouted, because he was sitting on my back. Finny got up, patted my head genially, and moved on across the field, not deigning to glance around for my counterattack, but relying on his extrasensory ears, his ability to feel in the air someone coming on him from behind. As I sprang at him he side-stepped easily, but I just managed to kick him as I shot past. He caught my leg and there was a brief wrestling match on the turf which he won. “Better hurry,” he said, “or they’ll put you in the guardhouse.” We were walking again, faster; Bobby and Leper and Chet were urging us from ahead for God’s sake to hurry up, and then Finny trapped me again in his strongest trap, that is, I suddenly became his collaborator. As we walked rapidly along I abruptly resented the bell and my West Point stride and hurrying and conforming. Finny was right. And there was only one way to show him this. I threw my hip against his, catching him by surprise, and he was instantly down, definitely pleased. This was why he liked me so much. When I jumped on top of him, my knees on his chest, he couldn’t ask for anything better. We struggled in some equality for a while, and then when we were sure we were too late for dinner, we broke off.-page 11

I have no words. Just…just read it.

Chapter 2:

After Mr. Prud’homme left he began to dress, that is he began reaching for whatever clothes were nearest, some of them mine. Then he stopped to consider, and went over to the dresser. Out of one of the drawers he lifted a finely woven broadcloth shirt, carefully cut, and very pink.

“What’s that thing?”

“This is a tablecloth,” he said out of the side of his mouth.

“No, cut it out. What is it?”

“This,” he then answered with some pride, “is going to be my emblem. Ma sent it up last week. Did you ever see stuff like this, and a color like this? It doesn’t even button all the way down. You have to pull it over your head, like this.”

“Over your head? Pink! It makes you look like a fairy!”

“Does it?” He used this preoccupied tone when he was thinking of something more interesting than what you had said. But his mind always recorded what was said and played it back to him when there was time, so as he was buttoning the high collar in front of the mirror he said mildly, “I wonder what would happen if I looked like a fairy to everyone.”

“You’re nuts.”

“Well, in case suitors begin clamoring at the door, you can tell them I’m wearing this as an emblem.” He turned around to let me admire it. pages 17 and 18

Okay. 1) This is 1942 and Finny is a teenage boy perfectly comfortable wearing a pink shirt.  2) He even mentions suitors. C’mon.  3)Finny’s so comfortable with himself and his sexuality he’s cool with mentioning suitors and looking like a fairy.  4) He lets Gene check him out in his pink shirt. OKAY.

Phineas had soaked and brushed his hair for the occasion. This gave his head a sleek look, which was contradicted by the surprised, honest expression which he wore on his face. His ears, I had never noticed before, were fairly small and set close to his head, and combined with his plastered hair they now gave his bold nose and cheekbones the sharp look of a prow.- page 19

Again, Gene notices Finny very deeply. How many of you have examined the size of your friends’ ears? Exactly.

Well, there you have it. Next week will be Chapters 3,4, and 5.  Do you agree they’re gay yet?

 

 

Fictional Men I Would NEVER Date and Another I Forgot

As a general rule, I’m chill on my literary men. Some I’d date, most I’d give a chance, and there are some I would run from. These are those.

creepyeddie

1. Edward Cullen

Canon: Twilight

Reasoning: Okay, well…I do have self-preservation, unlike Bella Swan.  Who here thinks it’s a smart idea to put your neck in reach of a vampire? Also, Edward as a character…eh. He’s not very bright, in my opinion, because he falls for Bella, he’s a little crazy, possessive, and undead. So. Edward is just not my dream guy.

Perks: Well, Edward does have a nice voice, a lot of talents, and he’s supposedly quite the hottie of Forks.

MY JESUS THIS IS TERRIFYING

MY JESUS THIS IS TERRIFYING

2. Voldemort

Canon: Harry Potter

Reasoning: This one should be pretty obvious. He’s VOLDEMORT. He’s the darkest wizard of all time! He kills for fun! Also, he has no nose. And if you made Voldy angry, DEAD. I mean, he’d probably kill you for refusing him, but whatever. Thank God Voldy not only doesn’t exist in real life, he abhors love, and Muggles like me.

Perks: There are none.

sherlock-holmes

3. Sherlock Holmes

Canon: Sherlock Holmes

Reasoning: He would make the WORST boyfriend, ever. He does not, for one, really like or respect women.  He is constantly running out on a case, usually with Watson. Analysts speculate on his various possible mental abnormalities.  He doesn’t comprehend why people fall in love, why people love each other, and he says he will never fall in love because it will cloud his mind. He can be terribly selfish too, and for all his brilliance he would not remember your birthday. He also cannot admit his feelings; it took him 21 years for Watson to realize Sherlock did in fact care about him, when he was wounded in the Three Garridebs (Amazing story, btw; one of my favorites).

Perks: He’s brilliant, and if you can keep up with his intellect and furthermore handle gibes to your intelligence, good luck to you.

draco

4. Draco Malfoy

Canon: Harry Potter

Reasoning: I’m pretty sure Tom Felton is the reason Draco has so many fangirls, because he’s a total prat.  From the very beginning, Draco proves himself a shameless snob, scorning all those who are not “pure-blood”. And then Draco’s hinted beginnings as Dark Wizard reveal themselves when he becomes a Death Eater. He tried to curse Harry with his back turned, and that just makes him a coward.

Perks: Near the end there, Draco does regret what Voldemort wants him to do.  Still, I wouldn’t date him, not that he’d have me. I’m a filthy muggle.

jacob

5. Jacob Black

Canon: Twilight

Reasoning: I realize Taylor Lautner’s pretty, but his character needs to go to therapy.  Jacob gets all hot for Bella when she’s chronically depressed and probably even less interesting than she usually is, and she’s ALL hung up on Eddie Boy. That’s just masochistic. Fast forward a book and a half and he imprints on A BABY. I don’t care what Stephenie Meyer says about imprinting, that is pedophilia. That’s just creepy.  Just….no. No.

Perks: Jacob is a loyal fellow, and he’s pretty.

rochester

6. Rochester

Canon: Jane Eyre

Reasoning: I love Rochester, I really do. But I would never date this guy. Wayyyy too intense. Secretive. Brooding. Tries polygamy. Not particularly attractive, according to Jane. Can be very cruel, especially to Adele.  Plus, I ship him and Jane. Can’t mess that up.

Perks: Talented. Passionate. Quite wealthy. Charming.

heathcliff

7. Heathcliff

Canon: Wuthering Heights

Reasoning: God, this guy is nuts. He practically invented stalking. He’s dark, manipulative,  has a sharp, cruel side, and loves Catherine just too much. TOO MUCH. If this guy shows up on your door with flowers, slam that door and hope he doesn’t still love you from afar. He’s good at that.

Perks: Loyalty. He does love his Catherine, even when she leaves him for her hubby and he marries Isabella in revenge.

NEWS FLASH!

I totally just though of someone else I’d date!

EXACTLY.

EXACTLY.

13. Samwise Gamgee

Canon: Lord of the Rings

Reasoning: Sam is the unsung hero of Lord of the Rings.  He’s super loyal, a great warrior, does freaking everything, DOESN’T trust Gollum, saves Frodo a gajillion times, and doesn’t let him go alone into Mordor. Plus he’s a hobbit. Hobbits  are cool.

Drawbacks: He is a hobbit, and I am sadly a human. Also he gets married and has Hobbit babies…though he and Frodo are awfully close…nah. He’s straight. As far as we know.

Next week: I think it’s time I back up my theory that Gene and Finny of  A Separate Peace are totally in love with each other. I will provide textual evidence of this. Stay tuned.

Fictional Men I Would Totally Date Part 2

I knew I was forgetting more fictional men, and my friends were quick to remind me. Thanks Rox and Nerdlife.

9. Peeta Mellark

Canon: Hunger Games

Reasoning: I love Peeta. Katniss does not deserve this man. Peeta is sweet, strong, devoted (I mean, obviously) and once took a beating just for Katniss to eat. THAT IS A REAL MAN. He also maintain  moral integrity in a world where children kil each other yearly. He also never gives up- I mean, he keeps after Katniss, doesn’t he? Also, he is attractive, too. And he can bake! BAKE!

Drawbacks: There is no tempting him from Katniss. Screw you, Katniss.

peeta

10.  Steve Rogers/Captain America

Canon: Captain America

Reasoning: CHRIS EVANS SHIRTLESS. Um, no, I have other reasons, I promise. I am genuinely fond of Steve’s character. He’s not perfect, but he tries so hard to be truly good. He’s a natural leader. Even as a shrimp before a dose of Super Soldier Serum, he was always willing to stand up for what he believed in, even if he got beat into a pulp. And the poor baby woke up out of the forties the same guy, and he had to adjust. Where would the Avengers be without Cap?

Drawbacks: Ummmm….the whole kidnapping thing. Why do I have to love superheros?

I can see why you were a Gucci model, sir. I salute you.

I can see why you were a Gucci model, sir. I salute you.

12. Tony Stark/Iron Man

Canon: Iron-Man

Reasoning: God, I just love Tony. He’s hilarious, quick-witted, a freaking genius, and Robert Downey Jr. is attractive (I’m aware he’s 47, and I’m aware that it’s weird I think he’s hot). This is what Tony looks like in my head. He’s extremely charming and deep down he as a good heart. Fabulously wealthy is a bonus.

Drawbacks: Oh, this is a LIST. egotistical, misogynistic, borderline alcoholic, self- destructive tendencies, womanizer, and doesn’t play well with others. It’s a quality woman who can keep the eye of Tony Stark. But I still would date him, as much as I’m sure it would hurt me. Also, superhero girlfriend death syndrome here, too.

RDJNow, just to make your day better, enjoy these images!

I just keep laughing at this face

I just keep laughing at this face.

This amuses me. I don't know why.

This amuses me. I don’t know why.

He looks so happy...and no surprise, I am amused.

He looks so happy…and no surprise, I am amused.

I really do think that’s all of them this time. And next I just need the ones I would run from in fear. Hint: one sparkles and the other is missing a facial feature.  See you guys then 🙂

Fictional Men I Would Totally Date

1. John H. Watson, M.D.

Canon: Sherlock Holmes

Reasoning: Watson has all the great qualities in a boyfriend: loyalty, smarts (hello, he’s a doctor), good looks, a good sense of humor, and a fondness for adventure. This translates to someone who will love you despite your hoodie and sweats and take you to eat Thai food for the first time. In my fictional world, anyway. In my fictional world he looks like Jude Law in the movie and that is attractive.

Drawbacks: The fact he’s BFFs with Sherlock Holmes. Holmes is the next bext thing to the homewrecker who steals your husband. Also, ACD sticks in sly references to Watson’s womanizing ways. Tsk.

Hello, Watson. So I know you get married...but....

Hello, Watson. So I know you get married…but….

2. Hiccup Horrendous Haddock III

Canon: How To Train Your Dragon

Reasoning: Outside the fantastic movie, Hiccup as a book character has admirable qualities: he’s smart, sarcastic, innovative, and nuturing. (He’s also ten, but we’re going to ignore that part). This is the guy who will enthuisically show you his studio and let you eat all the popcorn at the movies.

Drawbacks: Loyal dragon=will eat you if threatened.

This is what I mean.

This is what I mean.

3. Ponyboy Curtis

Canon: The Outsiders

Reasoning: I just realized I haven’t posted about The Outsiders. WHAT. Fixing that, pronto. Ponyboy’s sweet, attractive, devoted to his family and friends, and smart. Do you see a running theme here?

Drawbacks: Shy. Overprotected by his family and friends, who happen to be part of a gang.

This is Ponyboy as portrayed in The Outsiders movie. You should watch that, by the way.

This is Ponyboy as portrayed in The Outsiders movie. You should watch that, by the way.

4. Harry Potter

Canon: Harry Potter

Reasoning: Oh, Harry. I love this guy. He’s not a outstanding student like every other guy on here, but he is a wizard. He also is loyal, funny, courageous, and determined to do the right thing. I admire that. Plus I’m a sucker for green eyes. Throw in a scar and I’m hooked.

Drawbacks: Harry has good reason to whine, he really does, but sometimes…Plus, I’d be breaking up the great love of Ginny and Harry.

Not going to lie, I find Daniel Radcliffe very attractive.

Not going to lie, I find Daniel Radcliffe very attractive.

5. Neville Longbottom

Canon: Harry Potter

Reasoning: This one’s a little different.  Neville is so precious. Plus he’s in Griffindor for good reason- Neville kills the snake! And he resists the Death Eaters, and he’s just awesome. I will date you, Neville.

Drawbacks: Poor Neville will always not be so great at spells, which probably translates to a bit of an inferiority complex. Keep him in the herbology greenhouses where he’s confident.

Puberty worked out realllllyyy well for Neville.

Puberty worked out realllllyyy well for Neville.

6. Percy Jackson

Canon: Percy Jackson

Reasoning: How can you not love Percy? He’s hilarious, and sarcastic, and witty,  and enormously brave. He gets props for being a monster-slaying, quest-going badass. I picture him as pretty hot. He’d die to save the people he loves. And he saves the world. That is atttractive. Plus he’s related to Poseidon.

Drawbacks: He’s not called “Seaweed Brain” for nothing- Percy can be very thickskulled. I mean, I figured out Annabeth liked him like like two or three years before he did. Also, breaking up Percabeth? That’s true love!

I was going to find a book picture of Percy, but I love Logan Lerman even though he was way too old to be Percy. And they totally screwed up that movie so don't watch it.

I was going to find a book picture of Percy, but I love Logan Lerman even though he was way too old to be Percy. And they totally screwed up that movie so don’t watch it.

7. Peter Parker

Canon: Spider-Man

Reasoning: Who can resist Spider-Man? He is an attractive, muscular genius in a skintight suit who saves people every day at the cost of his own happiness. Selfless, smart, witty, and a super-hero. Come on!

Drawbacks: The cost of his own happiness extends to his girlfriends. Peter could never hold a girl hold except Gwen Stacy and Mary Jane Watson for a reason. Most girls couldn’t handle his constant lateness, secretiveness and often absence. The one who did, Ms. Stacy, got thrown off a bridge by the Green Goblin. The other thing? Being Spidey’s love is pretty dangerous. MJ was sadly parted from Peter in  REALLY STUPID move by Marvel. So technically I’m not destroying true love withthis one, except I am, because MJ is still Peter’s true love in MY book.

Our favorite webslinger, a la Tobey Maguire. Swing a little closer, darling.

Our favorite webslinger, a la Tobey Maguire. Swing a little closer, darling.

8. Westley

Canon: The Princess Bride

Reasoning: Westley is very attractive, Buttercup tells us. Also, he loves Buttercup so devotedly he takes her barbs and cruel carelessness for years and never retorts with anything but a gentle, “As you wish.” And he protects Buttercup endlessly, even from afar, and never wavers in his love. Who wouldn’t want that kind of love?

Drawbacks: Again,  Buttercup and Westley have that whole true love thing. But that’s pretty much all I got.

You actually should watch this movie.

You actually should watch this movie.

I’m sure there are plenty of other literary men I would date, but that’s today’s list. Next week? What literary men I wouldn’t touch with a literary ten-foot pole. Who would you date? Am I way off base or totally on target with my list? Comment on this post and I’ll love you forever.