Every time I see some chick on Twitter being all “My boyfriend and I are sooo Romeo and Juliet!” this is my face:
I read the whole thing last year, so no one can say I don’t know it.
Reasons why it is the worst, not best, love story ever:
1. Romeo is a punk. He’s moping over this other chick and then Juliet is suddenly his life? PLEASE.
2. Juliet is a harlot. That’s a really nice way of saying something else. She is THIRTEEN and she loses her virginity to a guy she has known a day. Picture yourself at thirteen and imagine that. Exactly. Is this kid even on her period yet? Come on now.
3. Romeo is a creep. He’s sixteen or seventeen and he’s all hot for a thirteen year old. Some people might call this true love. I call it pedophilia.
4. This whole play takes place over a weekend. Like six deaths and a marriage and deflowering and the first meeting in three days. I mean, what. That’s ten years shoved into one weekend.
5.These kids are five-year-olds when it comes to patience. If maybe once someone said, “Hm, babe, let’s think this through,” NONE OF THIS WOULD HAVE HAPPENED.
6. Shakespeare goes on and on about Queen Mab for three pages. enough said.
7. Romeo spends the first scene lamenting about how Rosaline won’t even “ope her lap to gold.” Okay, interpret that quote and tell me you don’t find him really creepy now.
8. Honesty really is the best policy because if one person was like, “Hm, let’s be honest here so no will die,” six more fictional characters would still survive.
9. There’s no reason for a feud between the Montagues and Capulets. They just act all stupid for a reason no one even remembers.
10. Juliet is so weak. She cries and cries and cries because Romeo gets exiled but does she care about her cousin who he MURDERED? Nope, sorry, cous. My husband is way more important.
11. The Prince of Verona should have just put his foot down years ago. What is the point of a Prince who just lets everyone die?
12. Okay, let’s kill ourselves for someone we’ve known three days. And I think it would have taken Juliet longer to die if she stabbed herself before everyone busted in that tomb.
13. Paris was just a sad little guy who Juliet acted all mean to for the guy who killed her cousin. And then he died. Again, look to Romeo.
14. Juliet’s dad has the most bipolar character development ever. “She’s too young, don’t marry her yet,” and then, “Marry him or I will disown you!!”
15. The movie. Juliet is the worst fake crier EVER. Don’t ruin your children’s innocence by letting them see the nakedness. That was AWKWARD.
Everyone acts like R &J is so great, but read the above 15 reasons and obviously it isn’t.
So chicks on Twitter, tweet about some other literary pairing. For example, Jane and Rochester. Jane waits, unlike the sexually mature Juliet. And Rochester is a good kind of crazy, unlike young Romeo. See next week’s post for details on Jane Eyre, one of my favorite books ever.
Lindsay’s Verdict: PUT IT DOWN AND BACK AWAY SLOWLY.
Next week: Jane Eyre.