As a general rule, I’m chill on my literary men. Some I’d date, most I’d give a chance, and there are some I would run from. These are those.
1. Edward Cullen
Reasoning: Okay, well…I do have self-preservation, unlike Bella Swan. Who here thinks it’s a smart idea to put your neck in reach of a vampire? Also, Edward as a character…eh. He’s not very bright, in my opinion, because he falls for Bella, he’s a little crazy, possessive, and undead. So. Edward is just not my dream guy.
Perks: Well, Edward does have a nice voice, a lot of talents, and he’s supposedly quite the hottie of Forks.
Canon: Harry Potter
Reasoning: This one should be pretty obvious. He’s VOLDEMORT. He’s the darkest wizard of all time! He kills for fun! Also, he has no nose. And if you made Voldy angry, DEAD. I mean, he’d probably kill you for refusing him, but whatever. Thank God Voldy not only doesn’t exist in real life, he abhors love, and Muggles like me.
Perks: There are none.
3. Sherlock Holmes
Canon: Sherlock Holmes
Reasoning: He would make the WORST boyfriend, ever. He does not, for one, really like or respect women. He is constantly running out on a case, usually with Watson. Analysts speculate on his various possible mental abnormalities. He doesn’t comprehend why people fall in love, why people love each other, and he says he will never fall in love because it will cloud his mind. He can be terribly selfish too, and for all his brilliance he would not remember your birthday. He also cannot admit his feelings; it took him 21 years for Watson to realize Sherlock did in fact care about him, when he was wounded in the Three Garridebs (Amazing story, btw; one of my favorites).
Perks: He’s brilliant, and if you can keep up with his intellect and furthermore handle gibes to your intelligence, good luck to you.
4. Draco Malfoy
Canon: Harry Potter
Reasoning: I’m pretty sure Tom Felton is the reason Draco has so many fangirls, because he’s a total prat. From the very beginning, Draco proves himself a shameless snob, scorning all those who are not “pure-blood”. And then Draco’s hinted beginnings as Dark Wizard reveal themselves when he becomes a Death Eater. He tried to curse Harry with his back turned, and that just makes him a coward.
Perks: Near the end there, Draco does regret what Voldemort wants him to do. Still, I wouldn’t date him, not that he’d have me. I’m a filthy muggle.
5. Jacob Black
Reasoning: I realize Taylor Lautner’s pretty, but his character needs to go to therapy. Jacob gets all hot for Bella when she’s chronically depressed and probably even less interesting than she usually is, and she’s ALL hung up on Eddie Boy. That’s just masochistic. Fast forward a book and a half and he imprints on A BABY. I don’t care what Stephenie Meyer says about imprinting, that is pedophilia. That’s just creepy. Just….no. No.
Perks: Jacob is a loyal fellow, and he’s pretty.
Canon: Jane Eyre
Reasoning: I love Rochester, I really do. But I would never date this guy. Wayyyy too intense. Secretive. Brooding. Tries polygamy. Not particularly attractive, according to Jane. Can be very cruel, especially to Adele. Plus, I ship him and Jane. Can’t mess that up.
Perks: Talented. Passionate. Quite wealthy. Charming.
Canon: Wuthering Heights
Reasoning: God, this guy is nuts. He practically invented stalking. He’s dark, manipulative, has a sharp, cruel side, and loves Catherine just too much. TOO MUCH. If this guy shows up on your door with flowers, slam that door and hope he doesn’t still love you from afar. He’s good at that.
Perks: Loyalty. He does love his Catherine, even when she leaves him for her hubby and he marries Isabella in revenge.
I totally just though of someone else I’d date!
13. Samwise Gamgee
Canon: Lord of the Rings
Reasoning: Sam is the unsung hero of Lord of the Rings. He’s super loyal, a great warrior, does freaking everything, DOESN’T trust Gollum, saves Frodo a gajillion times, and doesn’t let him go alone into Mordor. Plus he’s a hobbit. Hobbits are cool.
Drawbacks: He is a hobbit, and I am sadly a human. Also he gets married and has Hobbit babies…though he and Frodo are awfully close…nah. He’s straight. As far as we know.
Next week: I think it’s time I back up my theory that Gene and Finny of A Separate Peace are totally in love with each other. I will provide textual evidence of this. Stay tuned.